Why the Portuguese Man O War is the Ultimate Pirate of the Seas

It sails across the open ocean eviscerating everything in it’s path. It’s tentacles are over 30 feet long – sometimes up to 100 feet; penetrating deep into the ocean’s depths and it travels in massive packs of hundreds at a time… today we shall discover why the Portuguese Man O War is the ULTIMATE PIRATE OF THE SEAS and uncover it’s sinister plot to take over all of the oceans of the world!!!!
Why the Portuguese Man O War is a Pirate

What the Heck is a Portuguese Man O War?

Most people think it’s a jelly fish. I mean, it LOOKS like a jelly fish…

The Man O War is actually an alien species called a Siphonophore – recently discovered secretly living on our planet. It isn’t even one single animal! WHHHAAA?

Yep, the Portuguese Man Of War is in fact a colony of specialized animals called zooids that work together as one.

Just weird right?!


Ok so this wannabe jellyfish seems pretty innocent at this stage. After all it has tentacles and a gooey head that is super gross to touch like all the other jellies. So what’s the big deal? 

Well my friend, the Man O War’s tentacles grow to over 30 feet long!!! (9m) Sometimes up to over 100 feet (30m) putting this seemly small floating pillow smack bang into our GIANT ANIMALS category as the longest animal in the world!!!!!!!

Longer than a blue whale!
Blue whale = 29.9 meters (98 ft)

That’s a LOT of length. Imagine yourself as an innocent little fish swimming along 20 feet from the surface into a seemingly clear open ocean… and to suddenly find yourself trapped in a forest of vicious stinging tentacles with so much toxin they eviscerate you with the slightest touch.

Add to that, the fact that Portuguese Man Of War like to travel in large colonies over up to a THOUSAND strong! Which means you get a poisonous, never ending, impenetrable wall that even President Trump could be proud of…

The sinister plot to take over the world’s oceans. 

The scary thing is, that we are literally handing over the oceans to this unfriendly Pirate. You see, the Man Of War likes it’s water to be warm, so usually it hangs out in places like off the coast of Florida where it’s nice and toasty.

BUT…  as the oceans grow warmer, conditions become more and more favourable for this poisionous foe and it has already begun to expand it’s global domination into new territory.

So it won’t be long until you’re taking a dip at your favorite beach only to swim into a massive wall of toxic floating tentacles up to 30 metres deep and hundreds of meters wide, eviscerating everything in it’s path!!

A Glimmer of Shining (blue) Hope… 

At our darkest hour, while our oceans become clogged with deadly tentacles and the Portuguese Man O War carries out it’s evil plan to dominate the seas… all is not lost.

In fact, our saviour comes in a very tiny package. You see, there are only a handful of natural enemies of the Man O War, but luckily for us, the BLUE DRAGON is one of them!

Cute Blue Dragon Drawing

Naw… Ain’t he cute! Actually peeps, the Blue Dragon deserves it’s very own cartoon but for now all you need to know is that this little dude not only finds the Portuguese Man O’ War delicious, but it also harvests the Man O War’s toxins and stores them for it’s own use later on. 

More importantly… the Man O War is SCARED. Scared of this cute little dude.

Now that you and the Portuguese Man Of War are more acquainted, let’s do a quick analysis of our Man O’ War and it’s sinister plot to take over the seas…

Unfortunately, it looks like the Portuguese Man O’ War has a pretty good chance at achieving it’s goal of GLOBAL DOMINATION.

…and that is why the Man O War is the ultimate pirate of the seas.

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